September 28

Dear diary,

I haven't the heart to tell Carol that we all know the man she brought into work and showed off as her boyfriend was actually an animated mannequin.

September 27

Dear diary,

Today, I woke up from a nap, confident that fat men were easier to explode than umbrella irradiated kids.

September 26

Dear diary,

That possum totally wasn't dead and totally didn't appreciate being poked.

September 25

Dear diary,

Good news: my neighbors have stopped having loud, obnoxious, sheep bleeting sex in the middle of the day.

Bad news: I now get to hear my neighbor cry over her husbands illicit sheep related affair.

September 24

Dear diary,

It's been confirmed, Simon is an alien. Squid not bug which means I lost that bet.

September 23

Dear diary,

Cleaned out the hall closet today. Forgot how many skeletons I had stuffed back there. Some still had flesh on them.

September 22

Dear diary,

Apocalypse has been postponed, again! Charlotte refuses to let her wedding be ruined. My suggestion that it be a theme wedding was shot down.

September 21

Dear diary,

Should I be worried that the office is buying body bags in bulk?

September 20

Dear diary,

Should probably stop drinking Tequila at work. This is the third time this week I've blacked out and came to wearing some person unknown's clothes and blood.

September 19

Dear diary,

Whose bright idea was it to give Doug the label maker? Everything in the office now bares a sticker saying, "Doug is the sh*t." Spent all day crossing out "the."

September 18

Dear diary,

Fixed the shower so it won't electrocute me anymore. Now, I just have to watch out it doesn't catch me on fire.

September 17

Dear diary,

Never ask why there were eclairs involved...

September 16

Dear diary,

Which is worse, having a boner or your period during a meeting with the VIPs? Why choose? If your Pat you can have both!

September 15

Dear diary,

Where am I and why am I in this closet?

September 14

Dear diary,

Zombies give new meaning to 'finger food.'

September 13

Dear diary,

Things I'm no longer allowed to do at work, NO. 42 - The interns are not here for my experimentation.

September 12

Dear diary,

Things I'm no longer allowed to do in the office. No. 34 - Command people to, "Get over here so I can hump your ass."

September 11

Dear diary,

So it turns out you CAN punch a guy so hard his head implodes.

September 10

Dear diary,

Mary won the office chair jousting championship. The memorial for Fred is Tuesday.

September 9

Dear diary,

"Here's your shovel," is never the first thing you want to hear in the morning.

September 8

Dear diary,

Thought it'd be funny to switch Tony's awful cologne with Elder God mating pheromone. Not so funny once I saw the mess I had to clean up.

September 7

Dear diary,

Note to self. Do not yawn in swarm of bees.

September 6

Dear diary,

Had infestation of imps in office basement. Boss sent us down with flamethrowers to deal with the problem. My job was to stand back with shovel and smash flaming critters as they ran out. I don't think this is going to look good on my resume.

September 5

Dear diary,

Can't text. Clowns will eat me.

September 4

Dear diary,

Found Johny hiding naked in the linen closet. First: didn't know office had linen closet. Second: near as we can tell his situation has something to do with the baby hippo terrorizing the interns. How can something so cute be so destructive?

September 3

Dear diary,

Now share a cubicle with demonic goat. He gets paid more than me. Need new line of work.

September 2

Dear diary,

Boss is still speaking in tongues. Going to be a long week.